i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
