Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
