oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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