She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
