Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
