Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
