I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?