meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
