your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
