Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I did not marry a roomba.
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