Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
