if you like me you must not know who I am
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
