Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
