and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He passed out mid-signature
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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