I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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