Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
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holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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