Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
