You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
