The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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