On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
