You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I could make wine with my vomit
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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