The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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