I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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