Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
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Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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