I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
