My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
