I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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