Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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