the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
