i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
