Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
