did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
