Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just high enough for therapy.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
