i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
