I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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