He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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