epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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