I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
