Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
