Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
