ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
