So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
