i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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