my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
