the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
