oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
