my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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