so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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