Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
