for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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