what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
