i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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