Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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