omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
