New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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