it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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