Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
